Beowulf & Grendel

I like the movie Beowulf & Grendel. It has some good representations of what Vikings were like in the 6th century. And it looked wet and cold much of the time, which is good, 'cause that's pretty accurate. It was also good pathetick falacy, if you ask me, to make it cold and autumny with this Troll running around eating people and stuff.

Far* says I should separate the Viking from the movie-goer, that it helps you enjoy stuff more. He says that as a Classickist this is what he does all the time. Whatever, heya!

I mean, I get what Far's saying, right? However, I just have to mention their portrayal of Grendel.

He was a big hairy guy. Tall, sure. Overly hairy. And with a language that was mainly grunts.

Not. A. Troll.

Sorry, guys. You'd think Icelanders would know. Maybe Icelandic trolls are different from Norwegian and Danish ones. Maybe it was the Canadian or UK bit that ruined the Troll; Far doesn't think there've bin Trolls in Canada for a long time, if ever. (Being a Classickist, he just thinks they're mythickal.)

I mean, they got the bit where if you kill a Troll's far, he's gonna go crazy and start killin' all sorts of people and eatin' them an' stuff. Sure. No prob. I've seen it afore, heya! So Grendel was all Troll when he breakin' into the mead hall and tearin' Danes limb from limb.

And I would like to point out that, sure killin' Grendel's far was wrong, but Grendel's Trollpage (that's a Troll rampage) was several hundred times worse, really. And what's Beowulf and Hrothgar to do? Clearly killing this Troll is a matter of survival, not of ethicks.

Anyway, so here's the thing about Trolls.

They're a lot . . . wider than in the movie. Yeah, that covers it. Wider. Alotta times, they're taller, but . . . proportionally (that's it, right?) wider. With claws. And fur. Not hair, but fur. They're nasty, furry guys. And they have these scary-looking fangs. And freaky eyes, deep black ones, heya! Black ones that suck you in and draw you closer

closer...

closer...

AND THEN THEY EAT YOU UP!!!

There's no wild rumpus with Trolls. You say, "Let the wild rumpus start!" and then they tear you limb from limb and drink your blood.

Saw it happen to a kid named Max once. Poor guy.

There's a difference betwixt Trolls and Wild Things, that's all I'm gonna say.

Anyway, Trolls are not cool. You really just got to avoid 'em. If you see a Troll, don't kill it, 'cause if you only wound it, tomorrow night, he's crashin' through the doors to your mead hall and eatin' manflesh! And if you do kill it, and it's a got a kid somewhere, tomorrow night, or 15 years from now, that kid's crashin' through the doors to your mead hall and eatin' manflesh! Or if it's got a mom, she'll come crashin' through the doors to your mead hall and eat manflesh!

But if you come across a Troll and it agresses in anyway, kill it. Don't wait for poor Hygelac or Sigemund to get torn limb from limb and scattered across the grove of poplars. Take out your sword -- or, better yet, two-headed axe (suitable for hewing trees and other sichlike things) -- and kill 'im! Chop 'im down! You don't want to be a Troll's next meal! No manflesh for this Troll!

And then make sure you tell a scop, 'cause there's no point in killin' a Troll if no one sings about it. You gotta get some good songs sung about this deed. Man, if you don't tell a scop about your great deeds, then what's the point? Great deeds die if no one sings of them! Get some renown, my friend! Kill a troll, tell a scop, he writes a song, immortal glory! So. Easy.

In short: Beowulf & Grendel -- good movie. Trolls -- dangerous and hairy.

*Father in Norwegian.